Writing

POETRY

  • I dreamt that I was on a beach on Maui
    whispers of my grandparents carried by searching cardinals
    folded into red feathers, fluttering between wind and silence
    pale beach gently meeting endless excited ink

    where I left the house I had left a trail that I remember
    to walk it again and shed time
    like a newborn emerging from celestial origin
    steps unspooling in frail patterns, forgetting

    on bare ground I shall lose myself
    emerging from abstraction
    sinking into earth
    the weight of my form its own undoing

    until caught in the moments between breaths
    extremities collide into exactitude
    and my body sways with truth
    dissipating void and veil

    then as one does
    anguished over what is not yet lost
    awakened by an unseen sun
    reminded

    I will piece this memory back together as I forget it
    imperfectly mended, revealing no color
    enough though that my return to every moment is a falsehood
    must I chase what I touched and thought was human

  • Dead writers, dead foes
    Dead patriots, bleeding ghosts
    The deaf can hear the sound of the wind
    The sound of the soul exterminated without rapture 
    The clock only tocks
    All land bows in humility to the glow of a repugnant star 
    God lies crippled, looking up
    Trying to decipher the language of the vultures
    But who can find holiness in nothing, ignorant being 
    Odin is blind now
    The snails lead skeletons off cliffs
    Playing their flutes

    When sulfur replaces the day, and makes love with the night 
    When wine turns to water and kills the man
    When the fools free themselves from the chains they revere 
    When Plato’s man leaves the cave and sees the world 

    When the moon fights the tides
    The fish watch
    Onlookers in an otherworldly 
    Colosseum 
    And the wolf howls at them to stop 
    Because what is he without the moon 

    When the air sinks towards the earth 
    Missing home
    Drowning
    Solid and gas embrace in ecstasy 
    And liberate each other at long last 

    When the planets bask in our lost glory 
    Odysseys fade into cosmic mist 
    Memories kissing the cores of stars 
    Begotten in their celestial blazes 
    Infinite Frankensteins 

    When the last silence is mothered 
    In the space we once occupied 
    Earth's ethereal presence
    An Elysian reminiscence 
    In a forsaken galaxy no one understood 

    Then all will be nothing 
    And all will be conjoined 
    In a tapestry of fate
    Too beautiful to look at

  • Every year without knowing it I have passed the day
    When the galaxies will make love
    And matter will be as soft as a puppy
    Fiery liberation 
    A new constitution, not drafted just signed

    Then I will no longer
    Wrap myself in the humanity of the stars
    As I wait to see my dog in heaven
    And drink of the elixir of wisdom
    As the cosmos implodes
    In the noise and nirvana of catastrophe

    The planets die like crows

  • Let’s make a piece of literature called No More Bullshit. Picture a scene, weighed down by suffering and love and frosted with the existential. A couple of people stand in this scene, their heads exploding with ineffable trauma and hypotheticals too acutely harrowing to mentally realize. Their heads immune to gravity. This scene has no summaries or condensations. No noticeable traits except the extraordinary and exceptionally suppressed human nature of souls lost to the obsessive simplicity of overly political literature and the everyday bullshit burdened brutal yet benign life. The poet of this work isn’t stiff about his work in fact he’s screaming Fuck poems Earn money while he’s crying over his dead friend and dead childhood dreams that –

    No more bullshit
    No more violations of mental boundaries, no more happiness from platinum foundries
    No more platinum excuses, 4dimensional reflections, memory has bruises
    Distract yourself
    from what you see in your objects, what you see sitting in the school bus that comes to reality One could
    What challenges dismissal, misses its mark
    It doesn’t compete
    With Marcus Aurelius and the
    5 hour energy 5 hour essays
    Or the cosmic delicacy of friendship
    I do distract
    But English assignments bear opportunities to make peculiar meaning out of one night
    to play with the hot potato
    To get frustrated with a poem and write my own permeated and Delphic response
    so I write my dinosaurs into abstraction
    The carnivores and the herbivores
    Just enough to hit home
    Just enough to not see
    That is the scene in which my dignity reanimates itself
    That is the call I make to nothing existent and the echo in ink
    An ecosystem
    Each word emancipating the next from its inconceivability
    Into the angle larger than 90 degrees of the far corner of my 
    single that vibrates at night so near my head

  • They toiled like wild hogs digging for food
    trapped under the dirty, lowly connotations of society
    And the laws of nature
    Smart enough to suffer
    The soil flying into their eyes
    But they don’t close them
    For what is the point if they will have to do it again
    And again
    And when the rain falls they dig through mud
    And when the predators hunt they accept the risk
    Always subservient to the master of death and hunger
    And the forces that make them
    For how can you fight that which owns your soul
    For how can you flee that which owns your legs

  • To the realm that has gifted me life
    I see your fields lit by the moon yet still undulating in golden divinity
    I feel the beaming smile of God caress your towers, our churches with patriotic jubilance 
    His attentiveness as organic as our kin
    I see the splendor of our land as the birds feed their young worms, and the dung beetles, with incomprehensible vigor, push their loads to their destination
    Has Sisyphus yet reached his summit in Jerusalem

    I agonize over the dead, conjoined with the earth, the blood and bile of holy men splattered into hollow abstraction
    I see the souls whose labor has constructed my miraculous vitality watch their crops burn
    and watch their animals slain 
    And beg of me to seek bloody remuneration - can I trust to be forgiven for such acts, for
    shouting death into the world knowing it will echo.
    I watch the executioners smile,
    I stare through my mask at the eyes the eyes of the lamb who hath been shot from Jesus’ hand 
    Some leaders find crude sublimity in this, I am cursed to feel wrought 

    Every day my body races to condemn me to eternal darkness
    Can you not see the empty fields on my skin?
    I wonder if you could touch infernal purgatory within my heart, or would your hand pass
    through?
    We are dying, Egypt, dying
    When I was sixteen, I won a great victory. I felt in that moment that I would live to be a hundred. Now I know I shall not see thirty.
    Yet I have my mandate.
    From my mother and from Adam 

    Adam was the tree; until he stole from it and ate the fruit of life 
    As for me, I was but a plank of wood with a beating heart 
    Wood of which my life, that holy gift, began to eat
    its cutting blade making sawdust of my flesh 
    But never my heart 

    It is my earthly duty to sacrifice myself
    To spend every tortured hour protecting my people and our culture 
    to drain my soul so others can drink
    To turn sawdust into a forest that I will watch bloom from above

    I have made an ultimatum to myself
    One of empathy
    And of sacrifice
    And of a singular soul that combusts and vanishes 
    And is somehow reborn 

PROSE

  • She lies there like Mary Queen of the Scots on the faded ottoman blanket. She is frail, yes, but her dignity and personality still fill the room and send familiar vibrations through my body. Her eyes are sunken yet intense. Her face is still, but not the unsettling stillness that one finds in horror movie dolls or open-casket funerals. Her stillness is as delicate and tranquil as a koi pond. As noble as a Bierstadt or a Cole. The scars left by the death of her husband can be found nowhere in her expression as she turns to me and says his name, whispering it with a longing she can’t quite place. I know that longing is there, though, in its complete form, desperately trying to climb a ladder to her brain while rungs unscrew themselves on both sides. I know there is little time left to do what I am determined to do, and I know my actions will not be seen or repeated. The laws coded into my blood would say I have no choice in the matter, yet I would say the same. What is a human but an anthology of memories? And without them, what are they then? I am not altering humanity as I am forbidden to do. I am giving it back. I push myself onto the bed, lie down next to my grandmother, and close my eyes. Within an instant, my body disappears.

    I awaken in the factory. I am back in my quarters, seated in the chair I last departed from, my hands firmly grasping textureless armrests. I stretch my neck and focus, returning myself to a state of being able to manifest my motion. After a minute, I move off of the only solid object in this place and move toward the assembly line. I am repositioning, flickering at a speed I cannot fathom as my concentrated mind increases the displacement between myself and the chair. After my brain has caught up in reality, I move through the portal. Spending as much time on Earth as I have makes this all exceedingly difficult. To re-enter a realm devoid of time, one where events that are in eternal occurrence are experienced by directing your brain through the infinite, motionless plane of causes and effects, is a shock that would terminate any living being who has not yet separated their cerebral essence from their carbon body. Essences are the only real “beings” here, as we are the only things to organically transcend time. When I am on Earth, I am also the only real being, yet it is the beautiful lack of factuality that I gain there that has led me to return here out of love. Emerging from the portal, I find my brethren hard at work. Hundreds of entities, all vibrating in sync, crowd the room. Each entity “holds” (I will use language like this to add a degree of clarity to the incomprehensible) a black orb that seems to violently collapse in on itself while maintaining an invisible yet undoubtedly present structure. I move forward, watching as the entities tinker with the orbs using spatial vacuums refined into the forms of screws and tweezers. Gears and rotors of no recognizable dimension are added and set into motion; each addition changing the pattern of implosion within the orbs. Some orbs seem to rage, like gods of war clawing at themselves in ecstatic fury, while others collapse and reshape themselves with a more neutral elegance.

    These orbs are time. Time not as a single objective truth or an omnipotent constant, but as an umbrella term for the individual creations that each contain their own universal truths and wholly distinct realities. Each orb is an experiment. Each is the intimate creation of a single entity, yet in each, civilizations and galaxies blossom in their own exceptional autonomy. Humans build watches, fixing together elaborate mechanical organisms in the attempt to build a philosophical connection with a concept so unfamiliar yet so natural to them. We do the same, yet the connection we aim to make is the opposite. We exist within the lack of time that cocoons each and every universe, and, while we can venture into them and even, in my case, live lives and connect with temporal beings, we are agonizingly unable to experience the clarity of time. Such is the goal of every entity. We twist and turn time, fold it into dimensions, and dilute or concentrate it within our creations, all in an attempt to create our own genuine connection with the elusive concept.

  • If thank you is the water, then gratitude is the river. I want to be clear that I am not always or often enough aware that I am standing in that river, but I am trying. Trying to see and feel gratitude more in my life, under my feet and rushing against my skin. There were times during the pandemic when solitude and depression encircled me, and I could hardly sense a river at all. It was like being separated from the very atmosphere I needed to breathe. Without gratitude, everything was hard. There were no soft things, and no soft people. Anger was what filled the riverbed. There was no nourishment, there were no gifts. But I can also say now that it was not in spite of that darkness but because of it – “dark though it is” – that I came to understand that gratitude is not a constant, it may not even be a feeling, that above all gratitude is an act. A human act that tells us that we are in the world and, by being so, by doing so, are grateful. I have lost friends in recent years who could not remember, or had never learned, or no longer believed, that this was so. Who could no longer connect gratitude with its act, could neither give nor receive, and so finally stopped speaking. Their thank yous went silent. And their gratitude was gone. I look back now, that short long distance, from where I sit typing these words, and I feel it begin to rise in me, and rise, the gratitude of even this, and I find myself, in the poet W. S. Merwin’s words, “bowing not knowing to what.”

BOOK REVIEWS

  • Postwar: A History of Europe Since 1945, by historian and Professor of European Studies Tony Judt, is a towering accomplishment of research, synthesis, analysis and writing. No doubt this eloquent and arguably definitive historical text will be on academic curricula for years to come and read and discussed by anyone seriously interested in European history. The book delves deeply into the political, economic, social and cultural shifts and upheavals that defined the second half of the 20th Century in Europe, both Western and Eastern, and in its relation to the U.S. and the Soviet Union. It brilliantly reveals the fall of the Berlin Wall and the growing pains that followed both within Germany and, with the merging of the Eastern and Western Blocs, all of Europe. Finally, it paints a vivid map of the creation and evolution of European identity leading up to and following the Maastricht Treaty.

    Postwar leaves few if any stones unturned. It is as comprehensive as one could wish and as meticulous in its details. As Neal Ascherson wrote in the London Review of Books, (Judt’s) “ability to offer batteries of small details and figures is astonishing.” Beginning with postwar reconstruction and the Marshall Plan and ending with the early years of the EU, Judt delineates not only the evolution of the European continent but the ramifications of its SOPEC metamorphosis. Tackling 55 years of European – and, by default – global history would likely have most writers unable to see the forest through the trees, but not so Judt. He masterfully focuses his vast knowledge into a fluid narrative with consistently clear direction. Take, for example, the names of his chapters. “Into the Whirlwind; Lost Illusions; The Spectre of Revolution; The End of the Affair; The Power of the Powerless; The Reckoning” – just to name a few. These titles place us right in the narrative of history, giving the book a novelistic drive. He then expands on this sense of story by pulling in diverse quotations at the start of each chapter. These range from the words of statesmen giving formal speeches to thinkers, such as Jean-Paul Sartre, writing in 1945: “In the space of five years we have acquired a formidable inferiority complex” (Judt, 100). Or, with American frankness, James Baker in 1991: “We’ve got no dog in this fight” (665). Within the chapters themselves, Judt’s writing is confident and conclusive, and his structure is masterful. Postwar is, to a large extent, organized chronologically, however, when it is insightful to juxtapose two simultaneous narratives, Judt deviates from his linearity without losing clarity or purpose. An example of this is his treatment of the 1968 May Events in Paris and the simultaneous protests in Czechoslovakia. By examining both in their own individual capacity, Judt is able to thoroughly dissect the SOPEC consequences of each, while still tying them together as two movements representing the shared desire for freedom and reform that was so pervasive among the youth of both countries. 

    Of course, history is less organized than any book can make it, and it’s unlikely that anyone has ever really felt personally located in political or economic history. For this reason, and clearly out of personal curiosity, Judt frequently dives into cultural and intellectual movements and evolving philosophical-political thinking. In one of my favorite chapters, The Power of the Powerless, he discusses how dissidents, writers and scholars looked at Communism in the 1970s and 1980s. Judt is an admirer of Václav Havel, the first, and almost reluctant, president of Czechoslovakia – a man who would have preferred staying in the theater and writing plays had his country not needed him – quoting his Presidential Address in 1990, “People, your government has returned to you” (585). With Havel, who started as one “of a tiny network of courageous individuals” (569), Judt sees a man who successfully turned intellectual conviction into political leadership. Judt finds another hero in Polish writer Czeslaw Milosz, who would go on to win the Nobel Prize in Literature, and he notes that German novelist Christa Wolf’s writing was fueled by her opposition to Communism. At the end of the chapter, he laments that writer Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, in his own Nobel acceptance speech, misjudged the capacity of the public exposure of Soviet violence to change the course of Soviet history.

    Not surprisingly, Judt’s chapters on the 1960s and 1970s most vividly express the connections between personal philosophy and political change, exploring how a movement can be cultural at its heart (even if it professed to being political) and yet captivate a nation, create political chaos and shut down its universities. On the other hand, despite having been 24 years old in 1968, Judt seems disconnected with the energy and idealism of that seminal year and, I believe, underestimates its lasting cultural impact. He writes, “The solipsistic conceit of the age – that the young would change the world ‘by doing their own thing, ‘letting it all hang out’ and ‘making love, not war’ – was always an illusion, and it has not worn well” (398). Granted Judt is writing this 35 years later, but it is one of the few places in the book where he seems not to have caught the true spirit of the moment.

    On the opposite spectrum of the kaleidoscopic color of ‘68 is the far less colorful fascist architecture of the Eastern Bloc. This, Judt notes, had an effect on the psyche of its inhabitants. He writes about films and television, noting that at the approach of the millennium, subjects became more nationalistic and more backward-focused, particularly in the UK. In fact, throughout the book, Judt keeps his reader aware of the ebbs and flows of people’s spirits both at a national level and, at times, even a family one, particularly when discussing radical changes between generations in a family or the economic hardships they endure. Judt is quick to observe that people – let’s say in their 30s and above - are reluctant to change, if change has not served them well in the past. Case in point: the older generation in Russia that felt that communism was at least a reality they knew – the lesser, then, of two evils – and how such personal responses had, when in large numbers, significant global ramifications. In discussing Gorbachev, Judt emphasizes the discrepancy between the worldwide fame and support Gorbachev received for his ideas and ideals, which he phrased almost as much culturally and philosophically as politically, and then his ultimate failure to inspire his own people as he inspired those abroad.

    With a book this stunningly well-researched, it’s easy to forget that there’s an opinionated author behind it. Just when you start to see Judt reveal himself, he delivers another string of straight facts and details that suggest he is just reporting, a neutral journalist, if such a thing is possible. But what he is doing is not reporting, it is writing history, and history is narrative, and narrative is directed. Judt, as I mentioned, is nothing if not directed. His overarching point of view is pro-Europe. (Who would take on such a topic otherwise, you might ask?) There’s no question that Judt is on the side of European Union and the coming together of nations to secure postwar political, financial and social peace. Besides lauding the Marshall plan and NATO – hard to imagine anyone doing otherwise – Judt doesn’t think the U.S. “has a serviceable model to propose for universal emulation” (800). After Churchill, Judt also seems not to think the UK does either. He quotes Dean Acheson in his poignantly titled chapter, Lost Illusions: “Great Britain has lost an Empire and has not yet found a role” (278). Judt tragically died in 2010 at 62, six years before Brexit was voted in by the British, but his discussion of the UK’s decision to keep the Pound rather than adopt the Euro suggests he felt the country was on the wrong track and not seeing the great European potential.

    Ascherson humorously but accurately noted that “Judt has written, in great detail and at great length, the biography of a middle-aged continent trying, after a disgraceful past, to settle down and go straight.” And so it does. It’s in the last section of the book that Judt’s optimism makes an unapologetic appearance. Taking a step back for a moment and looking at the book as a fictional story, it seems that union is the redemption Judt seeks for his subject. It doesn’t begin to excuse the horrors of the war, but it does suggest that the postwar amnesia, that he and many felt was necessary, eventually led to something good and maybe enduring. Judt’s last lines usher in a new era that is no longer postwar but instead the birth of a European future: “In spite of the horrors of their recent past – and in large measure because of them – it was Europeans – who were now uniquely placed to offer the world some modest advice on how to avoid repeating their own mistakes. Few would have predicted it sixty years before, but the twenty-first century might yet belong to Europe” (800).